This day is BS!

Nuf said.

Alta View Part Two

Remember the little ditty about Katie and the uteruscarpeltunnelwhat'sbirthcontrolpillsfor debacle? I have more...



As I am such a concientous and thougthful person, I always try to respond to surveys regarding services I receive. When Alta View Hospital called me to do my post-operative survey, I, of course, obliged. I described in great and painstaking details my convo with Katie about the presence of my uterus, the exact reason why I take birth control pills, and the proper spelling of the word I-B-U-P-R-O-F-E-N. The surveyor asked if I would like to further discuss my experience with Katie with Katie's supervisor at a later time. I happily agreed.



89 days after my tete a tete with Katie, Robin, Katie's apparent supervisor, calls me to discuss the negative experience. I have no doubt in my mind that the call was placed so far beyond the date of occurance as to make it difficult for me to recall the details and thus Robin would not have to take any kind of disciplinary action or really do anything at all about the problem. Too bad for Robin (and Katie) that I keep this masterful blog for just such an opportunity.

I began to explain the multiple issues I encountered while speaking with Katie on that fateful April afternoon. With just about every sentence, Robin interrupted to offer some excuse or another for each instance of idiocy I described. A little about me, DON'T INTERRUPT ME TO MAKE AN EXCUSE. EVER! (Phew, sorry for the rage.) I was informed that Katie is a very seasoned nurse and must have just been having an off day that day. When I explained the trouble I had with the hospital having the incorrect phone number listed for me and the fact that it was Katie's fault that the number was in the system wrong (and I can prove that, thanks to the little save button on my executive phone) Robin of course said "Oh no, that couldn't possibly have happened. That number was in the hospital demographic system for you and was entered [when the hell ever] and wasn't done by Katie," I felt such an extreme rush of satisfaction when I explained to her that yes, Katie did misenter my phone number in their system and blah blah blah too long of a story. Anyway, basically all that was accomplished by Robin's call regarding Katie's call was to solidify my resolve to never utilize the services of Alta View Hospital again. If you have read any of my other rants about hospitals, you will recognize that I also disapprove of Jordan Valley Hospital. I think I am going to to start my own hospital and healthcare rating system. I think I'll call it the Sucky Hospital Information Tracker, or SHIT. It won't be stars, thumbs up, 9 out of 10 whoevers, it will be little piles of dog shit. The more piles of dog shit next to the hospital's name, the worse the rating. "Intermountain Medical Center...no shit!" That's gold!

Alone?

I can't understand why I feel alone. I have my whole family around me to support me and a huge group of friends that love me. I have my Heavenly Father. But I feel alone. I can't ever explain to anyone how I am actually feeling because I don't even really know myself. I just know that I feel like a whole appendage is missing with no hope of getting it back. I also know that I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't know what to do to not feel this way. I get all kinds of well-meaning advice from people like "give it time," "pray," "have faith, " etc. None of that helps. At all. I feel like I have to be strong for everyone else so I never really get a chance to be sad. But guess what? I'm sad. "Cheer up." "Lighten up." "This too shall pass." You know what, fuck you! I'm not okay and I'm not going to be okay. This isn't going to pass.

Seriously, I just want to be held as tight as possible by some trusted platonic friend with no other expectations than to just help me feel someones arms around me again, even if its just for a minute. That might help.

Jenn's Sex Tips for Married Women

This little piece was written late one night when John and I had a rather unfulfilling encounter and I thought it was sort of funny so I am going to share. To moms and sisters, don't get squeemish.

1. Don't plan on sex later. It will never happen, there will be so much pressure built up about it over a long day and it won't go well. Don't leave your man hanging. If you have to sneek into the bathroom for a quickie, just do it.
2. Don't dress up. It is far too complicated. Just go au naturalle and things will work out a lot better.
3. Don't try to have sex while watching SNL. Especially if you have Ashton Kutcher as the host and Them Crooked Vultures as the musical guest. There will be so many things to distract you from each other than nothing good will come of it.
4. Don't go hungry. Obviously, don't have sex on a full stomach, but definitely don't have sex on an empty stomach. Make sure you are nourished so you have the energy to do what must be done.
5. Don't try to do it sick. Especially if you are both sick. Its just icky. No one has any energy, you're all snotty, breathing is difficult and the bodily noises are such a turn off.
6. Don't skip your xanax. You really will need it.
7. Don't fall for the "I'll do you first" scenario. Its a trap.
8. Exercise your mouth. We all hear about Kegal exercises, why don't we also do mouthal exercises? George Carlin talks about blow jobs as having a work ethic attached to it. That's really how it should be approached. Exercise your mouth and get to work.
9. Realize that you are not a porn star. Make sure your partner knows this also. Sometimes unexpected things happen and we don't have the ability to cut and reshoot.
10. I have said it before and I will say it again, don't try to be sexy. You either are or are not.

So there you have it. Maybe this will help and maybe it won't. Maybe its funny and maybe it isn't, but it was funny to me at the time I wrote it and the experience that prompted the story turned out to be very fun and eventually worked out, but sadly it was our last.

Dear John,

Happy Fathers Day. You are such a great daddy to our two little babies. Even though you aren't with us right now, we feel your spirit and your presence every moment. Thank you for giving me these two gorgeous children. They are my whole world. You would be so proud of them. They are such a bright light in the lives of everyone who knows them.

Zoey is amazing. She is so brilliant, you would be so proud of her. She can say her ABCs and count to 20. She knows every nursery song, she speaks in full sentences, expresses her wishes, follows directions, is kind to everyone, makes us laugh hysterically, and is just gorgeous. She has a lot of you in her, she is very determined, very funny, very flirty, and so musically gifted that its almost scary. She misses you and says good morning and good night to you every day. She kisses your pictures and says miss you.

Zeke is growing up way too fast. He's 8 months old, and he's getting ready to take off walking any day. He gets up on his knees, crawls, pulls himself up on furniture, and can get anyplace he wants to be. He eats like a madman, it doesn't matter what it is, he gobbles it. He is so sweet and funny and mellow. He is the best baby in the world, never makes a cross sound unless he's tired, hungry or poopy. He is very happy. He even says da da.

Zoey has discovered that Zeke is a person that she can play with. She no longer views him as a threat to her and just loves on him constantly. They play together and they love eachother intensly. Zoey watches out for Zeke, just like a good big sister should. They are adorable together.

John, I miss you so terribly. Not a moment passes when I don't think of you. But I know that you are with me at all times. I feel your presence by hearing a favorite song, or seeing something that we had a private joke about, and sometimes I just see shooting stars that I know are you saying Hi. You truly are the one love of my life and you will never be out of my heart.

Happy Fathers Day. Say hello to Rob and Chris, and to my Grandpa Bradford and give him a big hug for me. We love you and miss you and will see you soon darling.

Love always,

Jennifer

Less Is More

I can't get that song out of my head. I just got home from the Joss Stone concert. It was unreal. I love her. I had an absolutely marvelous time and I am grateful to my new good friend who gave me the ticket. The song Less Is More is really standing out for me today because of a recent experience that I will now share. Are you ready???

I have this friend. I have been friends with this boy since 1993, when he sought me out in the hallowed halls of Alta High School to tell me that he had a huge crush on my friend and asked me if I would help him win her heart. I, of course agreed, and at the same time internally cried out because I had been secretly crushing on this particular boy all year long. But, being the friend I am, I helped these two hook up. I watched them as they fell in love fast and hard, as they gave themselves to eachother, as they had their problems, as they broke eachothers hearts. I remained a friend to each, but obviously I stayed better friends with my girl friend. Girls have to stick together.

Cut to five or so years later, girl friend has moved out of town and boy friend reconnects. I remain in the friend zone out of my loyalty to my girl friend and again lost touch with my boy friend.

Cut to right about now, I reconnect with my girl friend and my boy friend at the same time, obviously in different places, thanks to good old Facebook. Girl friend is still out of state and married happily with a dog and a mortgage. Boy friend is single and local and no longer off limits because of time and the unavailability of my girl friend. I get a phone call one night from the boy friend and he and I spoke on the phone for nearly two hours. We had a spectacular conversation. It felt obvious that we had a lot in common and that we would get along as though no time at all had passed. The following evening, I went to spend time with the boy friend. We had a deep and meaningful conversation. He brought me home. He called me as soon as he got home from bringing me home. He asked me if I had feelings for him. Here is the point of the story, are you ready? I told him that yes, I did have feelings for him and not only that, but I had always had those feelings and they had only increased since our first meeting in 1993. His response was not what I expected at all. He said nothing. Since this conversation, our communications have been very odd.

Less is more. If I had kept my mouth shut and played coy, I would likely be in his arms right now. But I will never know what if feels like to have those arms around me because I said too much. Joss has it right.

Top 10 Dating Tips for The Newly Single

1. Don’t try to be sexy. You are either sexy or you are not.
2. Never accept a first offer. Although you may be having a hard time adjusting to being alone, you will almost never find the new man (or woman) of your dreams on the first try.
3. Don’t drink (or take Ambien) and text.
4. Don’t get desperate. Although being alone sucks, it’s far better than settling for less than you deserve. Don’t try too hard. Your new love will come to you when the time is right and no sooner. Relax, enjoy the process, learn from your mistakes and don’t get discouraged.
5. Explore platonic opposite-sex friendships. It’s surprising how fulfilling they can be. There are a lot of singles out there that pretty much just want to cuddle with no other “entanglements.”
6. Don’t go in search of long lost loves. Most of the time so much water has gone under the bridge that there won’t be any connection left.
7. Try out a new hair cut or pick up a few new duds. I mini-makeover can give you hella confidence. Break out your storage clothes. You might find a few key pieces that will help you feel hot and get you noticed.
8. Have a sense of humor about yourself. Understand your plusses and minuses and own your hotness. You have some hotness; you need to find that flag and fly it.
9. Don’t mess with match.com or eharmony.com or ldssingles.com or those scary call-in singles phone lines. That is just asking for trouble.
10. Flaunt your talents. If you write well, start a blog (hint, hint), if you sing well, call up a person you are crushing on and sing them a song (they will be so into it, they won’t think you’re dumb at all), if you dance, paint, build stuff, whatever, show it off. Your new someone may really dig your talent and use it as a jumping off point.

Obviously, I don’t profess to be some dating guru (we all know how successful each of my relationships has been) but these tips all make sense and work. Trust your gut, don’t over-think, over-talk, or over-kill and you will find your new someone before you know it.